21 de octubre de 2012

Carmen, I just want to let you know that even if you decide not to be a housekeeper anymore, I'll always think of you as a housekeeper. Even if you, like, cure cancer, to me, you'll always be a housekeeper and I want you to know that.

Dalia,
Suburgatory.

5 de octubre de 2012

Uhhh, an ist. I've always wanted to be an ist!

Frankie Heck,

The Middle.

2 de octubre de 2012

Come on girl,
You're not even trying
Your place is a mess
And all your plants are dying
You're lying around in those sweatpants
You're staring off into the distance
Come on give me a kiss
I hate to see you like this

I hate to see you like this
Ah ah ah ah
I hate to see you like this

I don't know
What's going on in your head now,
But I think it's time
You got on up out of bed now
Let's get your phone reconnected
Let's get this room disinfected
Come on give me a kiss
I hate to see you like this

I hate to see you like this
Ah ah ah ah
I hate to see you like this

You know whatever's on your mind
It's gonna work itself out over time
But it's never gonna get much better
If you don't make a little effort
Just a little effort

Come on girl
Let's pull it together
You can't just watch infomercials forever
If you need a hand
Why don't you take mine?
Let's get you out
Into the sunshine
Come on give me a kiss
I hate to see you like this

I hate to see you like this
Ah ah ah ah
I hate to see you like this


Hate To See You Like This, 
Fountains Of Wayne.

26 de septiembre de 2012

So you accidentally said the wrong thing... One time, I asked this blind lady when her baby was due, turns out she wasn't pregnant, and she wasn't even a lady, but he really was blind, which was good because when he went to throw his coffee at me he totally missed and he hit a real pregnant lady and I was like: "Dude, you're such a jerk, you just hit a real pregnant lady!" And then, it turns out she wasn't pregnant either, so...

Laurie,

Cougar Town.

25 de septiembre de 2012

I've read a book once, I mean, I skim it and read the jacket cover, but the point of the book was that women and, I'm sure, positive, that this applies to men as well, shouldn't wait for the perfect mate to just roll onto their lives, they should settle sometimes for Mr. or Mrs. Good Enough.

Fred,
The Pill.

14 de agosto de 2012

- Hello?

- Hi! So, listen, either you gave me the crabs or I gave you the crabs but, anyway, I have the crabs and you were inside me last week so you've got crabs too. Ah... So... 

- Jesus!

- You didn't feel itchy?

- Yeah, but I thought it was laundry detergent...

- No. Crabs. Ah... So... Fuck you! or Sorry, I don't know which one.

- Bye.

Louie & one night stand,
Louie.

24 de julio de 2012

Your love for me is not debatable 

Your sexual appetite's insatiable 

You never ever make me waitable, 

Delectable, inflatable you. 

You don't have problems with your weight at all 

You never steal food off my plate at all 

I never have to masturbate at all 

Unstoppable, inflatable you. 

You never seem to menstruate at all 

So you're not angry when I'm late at all 

I feel permanently felatable 

Unpoppable, inflatable you. 

With you in my arms I feel we could just float away 

With the right kind of gas I might even try it some day 

In this ocean of life I'm never afraid I might drown 

We could just float forever whatever the weather 

Whenever my inflatable lover's around. 

Your thighs and buttocks are so holdable 

You always do what you are toldable 

And if we argue you're just foldable 

Controlable consolable you. 

My mates all reckon you are suitable 

I took you 'round to watch the footable 

And Steve and Gary said you're rootable 

Refutable, commutable you.

You're never sensitive or tickley 

When I rub you my skin goes prickerly 

It's known as static electricity 

Felicity when I'm kissing you. 

Your skin is so smooth I couldn't afford you with hair

You have all the holes real girls have got plus one for the air 

Your problems are simple, I don't need my Master's in Psych 

To know if you get down I just perk you right up 

With a couple of squirts from the pump off my bike. 

You never wake up when I snore at all 

A trait which I find quite adorable 

You have a box and you are storable 

Ignorable, back-doorable you. 

Any sexual position's feasible 

Although you don't bend at the knees at all 

Your hooters are so firm and squeezable 

Increasable, un-creasable you. 

Now birth control is not an issue 

I clean it all up with a tissue 

I bet my jealous friend all wish you 

We're insatiably inflatably theirs. 

Don’t let me down. 

Don’t let me down. 

Don’t let me down. 

And I won’t let you down.

Inflatable You, 
Tim Minchin.

16 de julio de 2012

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Usually, they're already there.

George Carlin.

13 de julio de 2012

- Ok, you are supposed to make me feel better, not worse.

-You are confusing me with Prozac.

Jane Bingum & Joan Rivers,

Drop Dead Diva.

12 de julio de 2012

I like the smell of petrol 

I love the taste of booze 

But I hate my love for you 

Yeah I hate my love for you 

I like Johnny Cash 

Singing "A Boy Named Sue" 

But I hate my love for you 

Yeah I hate my love for you 

You're worse that drink 

You're worse than crack 

For you they should bring hanging back 

And I should be the one to string you up 

I hate the sound of cliche 

As it begins to call 

But I hate my love for you 

Most of all 

Hate my love for you, 

hate my love for you 

I'd tell your ma 

I'd tell your pa 

But you don't come from Arkansas 

And I can't send you back where you belong 

I like the way you're standing 

In just your high heeled shoes 

But I hate my love for you 

Yeah I hate my love my love for you 

I hate my love for you 

Yeah I hate my love for you

Hate My Love,
The Proclaimers.

11 de julio de 2012

- Let me ask you, if you were a bad kisser, which one would you rather hear from your girlfriend?

A) Ew, no.

B) Would you like to profuse this pamphlet I found on kissing? or

C) How about we take a break from kissing and go get a froyo?

- As much as I love a good pamphlet, I'll go with froyo. Froyo.

Sue & Brick,
The Middle.

21 de junio de 2012

Now, you wouldn't know it for some of the things I've said over the years but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm alright with them for a little while but once you get up passed around a minute, minute and a half, I've got to get the fuck out of there. And my reason for this, my reason is for one that you may share possibly. I have a very low tolerance level for stupid bullshit.

It's Bad For Ya,
George Carlin.

15 de junio de 2012

You know, I read this article that said if you smile all the time you could trick your brain into thinking that you're happy.

Marissa,
Wanderlust.

6 de junio de 2012

Digging a hole and the walls are caving inBehind me,Air's getting thin but I'm trying,I'm breathing in,Come find me
It hasn't felt like this beforeIt hasn't felt like home...before you
And I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way,And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,I can't get my mind off of you
I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it,That's part of it all,Part of the beauty of falling in love with you,Is the fear you wont fall
It hasn't felt like this beforeIt hasn't felt like home...before you
And I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this wayAnd I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,I can't get my mind off of you
And I hate the phone,But I wish you'd call,Thought being alone,Was better than, was better than...
And I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this wayAnd I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,I can't get my mind off of you.

The Fear You Won't Fall,

Joshua Radin.

26 de mayo de 2012

- So what you say? Accept my friend thingy...

- Sorry, mom, I didn't get a friend thingy from you...

- Yeah, you know, they have a lot of blocks in there to protect kids from weirdos.

- Mmm... Ok, god, good, I'll send it again.

- Great!

- Please do.

- Please don't.

- We've got her request the first time but ignore it. I can't have her round there snooping around seeing what I'm doing at parties.

- Or getting pictures of us on family vacations wearing dorky clothes...

Claire, Hayley & Alex,
Modern Family.

22 de mayo de 2012

I just don't understand why I need to learn the skill, outside the gym class, when will I ever need to dodge a ball?

Brick Heck,

The Middle.

21 de mayo de 2012

I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am.

Sam Havadtoy.

20 de mayo de 2012

Sometimes it feels like wild living in a prozac nation: United States of depression.

I don't know who I am anymore. I have this personality and it's fucked up, but it's me and I see myself becoming this person who does the right thing, who says the right thing but that's not me. 

Elizabeth,

Prozac Nation.

17 de mayo de 2012

- How long do you think Andy's felt sexually unfulfilled?
- Kill me. Does that answer make any sense? Look, you take care of him... in other ways... Cooking?
- No.
- Ironing his shirts?
- Is this the fifties?
- Rubbing his feet?
- Have you seen them?
- Rubbing his back?
- There's no rubbing.
- Scratching his back?
- My fingers get stuck.
- Listening to him?
- I'm not his friend Travis, I'm just his wife.


Ellie & Travis,
Cougar Town.

13 de mayo de 2012

Your daddy always said you should stay away from
A fool like me, a fool like me
And when your momma sees me calling on your telephone
The bitch hangs up on me
Huh!?

Remember that time I blew your mailbox up
I was just kidding about that (kidding about that)
I'm sorry that I hit your dog with my bike
But he's still got three legs (he's gonna be just fine)
And baby, baby I ain't too sure that
I know how to change anymore
But
This I know for sure..
I just got eyes for you
Even though your friends say:
Oh my God, how can she be with him?
Oh my God leave his ass!

Your daddy always said you should stay away from
A fool like me, a fool like me
And when your momma sees me calling on your telephone,
She hangs up on me
That bitch hangs up on me
Yeah I know
That I'm a grown ass man
Who still acts like an idiot
But Lord he must have been in a good mood the day
He let a girl like you
Choose to take a fool like me

I never meant to drive your car into that tree
I'm still real sorry about that (sorry about that)
And I know I can't get it right
But I would do anything, anything
For my
Baby, baby you ain't too sure that
I know how to change anymore
But
This you know for sure...
I just got eyes for you
Even though your friends say:
Oh my God, how can she be with him?
Oh my God leave his ass!

Your daddy always said "you should stay away from
A fool like me, a fool like me"
And when your momma sees me calling on your telephone,
She hangs up on me
That bitch hangs up on me
Yeah I know
That I'm a grown ass man
Who still acts like an idiot
But Lord he must have been in a good mood the day
He let a girl like you
Choose to take a fool like me,
Take a fool like me
Take a fool like

Oh my God!
How can she be with him?
Oh my God!
How can she be with him?
Oh my God
Leave his ass!

Your daddy always said "you should stay away from
A fool like me, a fool like me"
And when your momma sees me calling on your telephone,
She hangs up on me
That bitch hangs up on me
Yeah I know
That I'm a grown ass man
Who still acts like an idiot
But Lord he must have been in a good mood the day
He let a girl like you
Choose to take a fool like me


Fool Like Me,
Cobra Starship & The Plasticines.